MY LETTER TO ADDICTION

***TRIGGER WARNING *** Talks about a family member with addiction.

I got the call again. The call that makes my stomach sick and my heart sink. The call that tells me it’s not getting better and we are still in the hole struggling, the cycle that continues once more. Addiction is no joke. It destroys everything in its path, breaks up the best parts of people, and spits them out. Addiction is the reason for my pain, the reason for my anxiety, and the reason for my deepest worries that only God can save me from. It’s not my addiction and I can’t decide if that’s the worst part about this. I feel alone. I feel helpless. I want to pull them out of this because they ARE worth it.

Seeing you hurt….hurts. Every part of me wants to hold you and tell you it’s going to be okay and that there is a day that will come and you will feel better. I’ve prayed so hard and I know that God has a plan for you. God loves you so much and he doesn’t want to see you hurting either I wish you could understand that. The addiction is lying to you.

Am I your enabler or am I part of the plan? Do I continue to be your stronghold or am I dragging this process out? I won’t forgive myself if I give up and then you do. Please don’t leave me. God has a bigger plan for you. I’m holding on to the thought that there are worse addicts that have found their way out on the other side…I’m praying you’ll be one too.

It’s true what they say, “an addict will only get help if they want to get better themselves”. I just want to say the right things and do the right things, and I don’t know where I’m going wrong. I know it’s not my fault but it doesn’t squash the feelings and thoughts of “Am I doing enough?”. Walking alongside addiction is dark and there is no right path, no calculated ending.

I know God is listening to my prayers he always is. I have seen him work his miracles in so many other areas of my life I know what he is capable of. It would be so easy wouldn’t it? To just blame him and get angry at him for not just taking this pain from you and making you happier. God doesn’t work that way, he knows all of our trials and tribulations. There is comfort in falling in the arms of God when you feel the weight of addiction. What good would it be to hold onto the bitterness of being mad and blaming God? That would be counterproductive. I have the power to not let the enemy win when I take my anxiety and anger and give it to God. Watching someone you share blood with struggle like this still makes you feel all of the emotions. It’s hard, but Jesus felt these feelings too. He’s the bridge. He is why I can sit here and feel both hurt and HOPE.

Addiction is a cycle until it’s not. You are not alone if you are watching someone battle it and you feel alone. Give it to God, even when you don’t want to.